Qin Su has loved her husband since the moment she saw him.
She knew, of course, that he was sworn brothers with Chifeng-zun and Zewu-jun, the beautiful Lianfang-zun. She knew what that meant. She had hoped... Well he had married her hadn't he? She was beautiful, of course, Lianfang-zun could not have an ugly wife, but not as beautiful as Zewu-jun.
Her father was Jin Guangshan's close friend, she legitimised her husband in the eyes of society. She represented respectability for a man from anywhere but. She has loved him and supported him, she has borne a child for him, she would bear more if that was what he wanted.
It was not what he wanted. She sees how people still look down on him, even now. She sees their disdain for her husband, even after he has done so much for them.
Surely out of everyone he would understand that she wanted him to touch her? Surely he would understand that she wanted to be held? She sees Lan Xichen, sees the touch her husband freely gives him and the force of her hatred almost overwhelms her.
Why him? She cannot be Zewu-jun for him. She knows, she can never be Zewu-jun. Sometimes she wonders why he married her. Surely he had enough leverage just being sworn brothers with Chifeng-zun and Zewu-jun? Why did he need her if he wasn't even going to try to have another child with her? Sometimes she considers running away. Perhaps to Dongying, perhaps deeper inland to lands beyond the Chief Cultivator's power. Somewhere she can make her life anew. Perhaps if she faked her death then her husband could have what he truly wanted and she could try to find a new life where she could be who she wanted too
Is there a place in this world where she can be free? Is there a person who will look at her and see her for who she is? Is there something more than this? She starts stockpiling things she might need. She's not going to run away, but it's good to be prepared in case she might need to. It is simple enough to cultivate a reputation of someone who loves the exotic, collecting maps and accounts of nations near and far. She tells herself it is just curiosity, just a thought experiment. She is not actually going to run away. She is not. She doesn't need to run away. She should not abandon her family, it is ungrateful for all they've done for her. She would hate to be alone in some strange land. She is safe here. Jin Ling still needs her, as what paltry motherly figure she can be. Her husband needs her expertise as an assistant if not her love. The Sect needed her. Qin Su receives a letter. Ahead of her are several paths. She could confront her husband, she could pretend she did not know, she could ask for help...
She could run away. It is a moment of weakness, that's it, but when she trades her beautiful robes for nondescript travelling ones, when she stuffs her supplies into qiankun pouches in her sleeves, when she leaves Jinlintai...
When she leaves she feels a weight lift from her shoulders. Lianfang-zun could have Zewu-jun.
Qin Su would have this. Long years later Qin Su settles in a foreign land, too far for anyone to find her. She has a painful, painstaking broken grasp of the native language in this foreign land. Much of her jewels and fancy clothes have been sold on. She lives a simple life. She cooks her own food. She lives in a small house rented from a local family. Her hands are no longer soft, now they know hard work. In her spare time she learns strange instruments and paints this stranger's land.
She is free. Sometimes she wonders what has happened to her husband. Whenever she does, she looks over at her new companion, her wife in all but name, and she knows she does not care. She takes her lover's hand and smiles at her. She smiles back and Qin Su knows she was her first choice. And, after all, wasn't that really what she wanted? To be someone's first choice?
"What's gotten into you, my love?" Her lover asks.
"I am so happy that I am here, with you," Qin Su replies, "I'm so glad I left."
Her lover kisses her.
Yes, Qin Su is very happy.